The Magic of Being Polite: 10 Tips on French Etiquette

Every country has its own rules of politeness. So for anyone living in France, or travelling through the country, they will find Florence Cane’s book The Life-Changing Magic of Being Polite, to be published in English in December but available in French from 4th September, an intriguing look into “a way of life à la française.” 

Before I highlight some of her advice, a word on who she is and why she feels entitled to advise people on politeness. 

Florence Cane, now 45, holds a Master’s degree in taxation but got an internship after her studies with Michelin-starred French chef Alain Ducasse who collects table-top sculptures made by her famous artist father, Louis Cane. Six years after her internship, she co-founded the Yannick Alléno Group with the eponymous multi-Michelin-starred chef. She spent the next decade as the group’s managing director. 

“I’ve had a very rich life,” she told me in a telephone interview, “and its thanks to these 16 years of meeting and working with VIPs the world over that I learned what politeness is and how it can smooth relations.” She adds that “the recommendations in my book are a mixture of what I’ve observed and common sense.”  

In November 2022 she chose, with her husband and children, to leave Paris and settle in the south of France. “I decided it was time to found my own consulting company, Milouin, so today I advise hotels and restaurants and search out unique objects for the kitchen and table that I sell on my website.” 

It took her three months to write the 192-page book, “on my own!” she stresses. 

So what are her top tips? 

Introductions 

The three golden rules: 1) always introduce a man to a woman; 2) introduce a younger person to an older person 3) introduce the person lower on the social scale to someone higher. 

So, what if you’re at a party chatting to a friend and someone rocks up who clearly knows you, but not your friend, and you can’t for the life of you remember their name (how many times has that happened to me!!)? The answer: you say “how lovely to see you. May I introduce my friend Alison Black” and hopefully the person whose name you’ve forgotten will introduce themselves to Alison giving their first name and family name! 

 Shaking hands 

It may surprise you that Cane says you should not shake hands in France when you first meet someone. If you’re a woman you smile, if you’re a man you bend very slightly forwards from the waist. But I’ve rarely seen anyone do this: people generally do shake hands so ensure your handshake is neither wimpy and weak nor bone-shatteringly strong. Just firm, stable whilst looking the person in the eye. There’s nothing ruder than looking away as you shake someone’s hand. 

 Kissing strangers on the cheek 

Just don’t. It’s become much more acceptable since the pandemic to shake hands or, if you enter a room full of people you vaguely know then send an air-kiss across the room and say “hello everyone”. 

Coats 

Remove your coat when entering someone’s home, a room, a restaurant, an office or for a meeting. But in a professional context, such an interview, only remove your coat if you’re invited to do so and then place it on a chair next to you or on the back of the chair you’re sitting on. 

 Tipping 

Ensure you have local money for tipping the hotel staff: €5 or $5 for the hotel driver who picked you up at the airport, the same amount for the staff member who accompanied you to your room.  And don’t forget to leave a tip on your bedside table at the end of your stay for the cleaning staff with a handwritten note to thank them for their work.  

 Flowers 

Never bring a bouquet of flowers to your hostess: she’s probably busy in the kitchen and will have to take out time to remove the cellophane wrapping, cut the stems and find a vase. Instead, have the bouquet delivered that morning (never the next morning) accompanied by a little note from you.  

 Dinner parties 

On your dinner invitation don’t forget your address, the door code and the floor but also the time at which you expect your guests to arrive: generally 8:00 pm (20:00) as that gives time for pre-dinner chat and drinks and you can sit down to eat at 9:00 pm (21:00). Before the guests arrive think about a seating plan: the hosts opposite each other at the centre of the table, a male guest to the right of the hostess, a female guest to the right of the host and these should be the most important amongst your guests, or those who’ve travelled the furthest or that you haven’t seen for a long time.  

If there are 13 of you, then lay a place for the 14th.

You’re the host 

Never cook something for a dinner party that you’ve never made before; if you’re not a good cook, then a large bowl of spaghetti will do just fine. There should be an apéritif, a starter, a main course, salad and cheese, and dessert. Think about the overall quantities: if you’ve prepared ample savouries for the apéritif then don’t have a starter but if the apéritif was light, then the meal should begin with a starter. If your main course is copious then ensure the dessert is light such as a fruit salad or sorbets. 

 You’re the guest 

Wait until the hostess is seated before sitting yourself and until she’s picked up her knife and fork before eating; don’t tie your napkin around your neck; don’t slouch; don’t put your elbows on the table; never say “bon appétit”; your fork moves up towards your mouth not your mouth down to the fork; don’t speak with your mouth full; don’t chew noisily or open your mouth whilst you’re eating; don’t suck or blow on your soup; don’t wipe your plate with a piece of bread; don’t help yourself to wine. 

 Speak correct French 

The list is long but these are the ones I particularly like: don’t say “manger” but instead “petit déjeuner,” or “déjeuner” or “grignoter” or “goûter” or “dîner” or “souper”. Don’t ask for “la note” in a restaurant but for “l’addition”. Prefer “je vous prie de bien vouloir m’excuser” to simply “je m’excuse” and “ravi de vous rencontrer” to “enchanté”. Never say “bonjour, Messieurs, Dames” but “bonjour Mesdames, bonjour Messieurs”.