How to Be Parisian: Timing is Everything

Stephen puts a spot of personal medical research to good use in the arts world.

It can’t be said often enough that Paris, at its best, is a miraculous city. I’m not just talking about champagne dinners, Impressionists and riverside sunsets – I mean a much more basic miracle. I am of an age where regular medical exams have become necessary, and where it feels reassuring to have specialist doctors following the progress (or regression) of each bodily area.

I am also lucky to live in a city where it is possible to go online and make a direct appointment with those specialists. Not everywhere in France offers that luxury. My doctors are usually kind enough to end each appointment by saying, “Here’s a prescription for a blood test and a scan/X-ray of the relevant body part, just do the exam(s) before you come back to see me in a year.”

A useful lesson

I should add that seeing these specialists does not involve mortgaging your house. It’s covered by basic insurance, the mutuelle. Vive la France.
One of these tests involves drinking a litre of water an hour before the appointment and holding it in until the ultrasound scan. Miraculously again, I can go online and make a date to undergo this exam the following day, at a lab ten minutes’ walk away.

Last time I did this, I turned up at about 11am, already eager to unburden myself, if you get my drift. And after half an hour in the waiting room, things were getting decidedly urgent. Ten minutes later, I limped to reception: “Help! It’s now or never.” Luckily, I was scanned just in time to prevent embarrassment and a postponement, and the radiologist gave me some key advice: for this particular scan, always book the first appointment of the day. You’ll be seen on time, and there will be no panic or discomfort in the waiting room. If I share this story with you, it’s not because I think my medical history is in any way interesting; it’s because this ‘first appointment’ strategy can apply to much more than ultrasound scans.

Paris was recently voted the most cultural city in the world. The other day, I crossed the Pont des Arts and the Place Saint Michel, and was reminded of leaving one of England’s bigger football stadiums just after the final whistle: a whole town seemed to have emptied into the streets. The approaches to the Louvre or the Musée d’Orsay are much the same, and given that the appointments system for art exhibitions is much the same as for ultrasound scans, I now apply the same rule: always book the first time slot of the day.

The art of planning

Not only will you avoid queuing for quite so long, once you’re inside, you’ll have a good look at the paintings before the crowds arrive. Monet’s lilies and Van Gogh’s self-portraits just don’t look as good when seen through someone else’s hairdo.

The Louvre has long since introduced airport-style regulated queuing to see the Mona Lisa, and now the museum is apparently going a stage further. Da Vinci’s masterpiece will soon be moved into a large, new, dedicated space to make viewing more comfortable. Personally, I would move it into a completely separate building. I would monopolise a wing of the Louvre, with its own entrance, for a Mona Lisa Experience, housing enlarged projections of the picture, immersive digital rooms, a ‘meet Mona’ hologram, and maybe an escape game to get out…

Entrance fees and the gift shop would finance the whole of France’s cultural budget and pay for generations of budding young painters to go to art school – as well as reducing the queue to get into the Louvre’s pyramid by about 80 per cent. In fact, my advice to Mona Lisa fans would be to wait until something like this happens. It can’t be long. The Louvre is nearing saturation point. Yes, sorry to be so obsessed but I’m Parisian, so the whole of life comes down to waiting-time reduction. When we manage it, it’s a miracle.

Stephen Clarke’s latest book is Charles Worth, the Englishman Who Invented Parisian Haute Couture.

From France Today Magazine

Lead photo credit : © MARIE LISS